The Roller Coaster Called Grief

    Until my world was flipped upside down, I never understood the word grief. On March 30th, 2018, I learned quickly what grief meant. 

     It was the day my Dad called me in a panic and hysterically told me, “Jared, Michael (my brother) is dead.” At that moment everything went in slow motion and I felt like the room was spinning. Those four words strung together, would change our family forever. He then let me know I needed to call my Mom.

     There is no book, class, or school that teaches you how to tell your mom her son is gone. The soul-piercing cries that came on the other line from my mom, is a sound I pray I never hear again. 

    Over the next four years, I learned more about the word grief. The complexity of how it moves, changes, adapts, and physically affects a person.

   The purpose of this blog is to better understand how to help someone who is grieving. Unfortunately, until a major tragedy or misfortune happens, you have an idea of what grief is, but do not fully comprehend it.

     I had no clue how to help anyone who lost a loved one when I was younger. I had two close friends in high school and college who lost a parent. They both lost their Dad way too soon. 

     Looking back on the situation, I know I could have done more. I could have been a better friend. I simply just didn’t know how, because I have never experienced anything like that. What I thought was being there for them was simply not enough and I only realized that when I went through my own tragedy.

    While grief can never fully be understood or comprehended there are common truths that can help someone who is overtaken by tragedy. 

1. Avoid saying, “Let me know if you need anything.” -While this could be a genuine statement, saying this and waiting for them to let you know what they need could leave you doing nothing. When tragedy hits you don’t know what you need. The act of doing daily activities becomes a burden. Reaching out to someone to tell you what you need is daunting. 
2. Do not compare tragedies and grief- Everyone’s experience with grief and tragedies is different. While the first reaction might be to say, “I know how you feel” or “I went through something similar” be careful of doing this. It takes away from what they are feeling and going through. There will be a time and place to share similarities, but it is never right after. 
3. Ask open-ended questions- When you ask questions that make someone say more than a single word or quick answers it allows you to understand how to help them more. Instead of asking “how are you doing,” ask “what is helping you grieve?” The answer will be different for everyone, but you will learn how you can help by their response.  
4. We never want to forget our person- Even when years have passed share memories and stories of their person. We will never forget them, and it’s special to know other people are thinking about them as well. It might seem like that will be too hard for someone to hear, but I promise it is not. Every time a person reaches out to share a thought or memory of my brother it makes my day.
5. Avoid giving advice and just listen- When a person is willing to talk and share about their grief, just listen. It is human nature to want to give advice, but doing this might make the person feel like you know what you would do if you were in their situation. The truth is you are not in their situation and you don’t know what you would do.
6. Support is a marathon, not a sprint- Most friends and family show up immediately when tragedy happens. The special ones show up frequently and randomly forever. During special dates like birthdays, holidays, mother days, fathers day, or unique events that happen. Something as simple as letting them know you are thinking of them a little more on those days means more than you know.

There will never be a perfect formula to understand how to help someone who is grieving or learning to live with grief. However, some of these small steps can make a big difference.

Please feel free to share this blog. I wish I knew some of this information before my own tragedy hit so I would be able to help my friends and family when it hit them. Thank you for taking the time to read.